College & Anxiety United.

I've started college!! I've not been in education since I left school about 4 years ago due to my anxiety. I'd been thinking about applying for college since the beginning of the year. I made it my achievement in my head, that I really wanted to start doing a course in September.
In August I decided right, it was about time I applied. I'd been putting it off for months and thought if I don't push myself and do it now, will I ever do it?
I sent off the application form and within a week or two I received a letter back saying that I'd been accepted and when my start date was.
I immediately felt a rush of anxiety.
I had loads of thoughts running through my head.

Am I actually ready for this?
What happens if I'm not ready?
What happens if I get there and feel too anxious to go in?
What happens if I get a panic attack in class?
What will happen if no one likes me?

These were just a few of the thoughts running through my head. I kept telling myself I would be fine, it was only two hours a week and two hours will be fine.

When the day arrived I didn't feel as anxious as I thought I would have been. This completely threw me. As college isn't until 6pm, I thought I'd be spending all day worrying, but I didn't. I managed to carry on with the rest of my day as planned.
About an hour before I was meant to leave the anxiety started kicking in and all the thoughts were racing around my head but I knew I had to do this. Not just for me, but for everyone around me.
I managed to hold myself together and arrived at the college, I went in and the man at reception told me and another guy who arrived at the same time where to go. I headed up the stairs to the classroom. At this point my anxiety was sky high. I didn't know whether to keep going or turn around and run out. I decided I was there now, I couldn't back out so I went ahead and walked into the classroom. I sat down on a table with about 4 other people. As the lesson went on, I found my anxiety went away.
When I got home after college I felt really low. I didn't quite understand why I was feeling so low. I had just completed my biggest achievement for years. I should have been feeling proud and over the moon, but I wasn't. I felt the worst I had felt for months. I just couldn't understand what was going on, which made me feel even worse. I just wanted to hide myself away. For the rest of the week I felt low, but by college the next week I was feeling slightly better. I then had a huge battle with my head as to whether to attend college or not. Having felt so low after it the week before I honestly didn't know if I would be able to cope if I felt low again.
After opening up to a close friend I decided to give it another go. I got there, went in, and as soon as the tutor entered she announced that she had a bug and for people to keep away from her. She said she'd been off all day and only came in because they couldn't find cover. Well obviously, having emetophobia, I just walked straight out of the room, and left college without saying a word to anyone. I was on the verge of a panic attack. I phoned my mum and asked her to come and collect me. I went home and then felt pathetic for not being able to stay and had loads of negative thoughts running through my head. At the end of the day I decided it's not my fault I have this phobia. I can just try again next week.
The next week arrived and I felt more anxious than I had ever felt going to college. I just couldn't do it, especially after the bad experience the week before. I explained to my mum that I couldn't go.
We then came to an agreement that she would come into college with me and explain to my tutor that I had anxiety and if I couldn't cope could I just walk out of the classroom and leave etc. After speaking to the tutor who was so understanding I felt so much better but was still too anxious to sit through the lesson that week so I went back home with my mum.
Since all that, I have been to both of the last lessons and I have coped fine. After a rocky start I am now happily going there. I have found a really nice friend there which makes it so much easier. I just hope it carries on like this.
I guess after being out of education for 4 years I should have expected to have a bit of a rocky start, but I'm getting there with the help of my amazing friends.


On another note I just wanted to mention Anxiety United. The people on that site have given me some amazing support and they are so lovely.
I have been writing a few blog posts on there too. You can find my latest one here.
If you haven't already you should follow Anxiety United on twitter @AnxietyUnited and check out their website here.

World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental Health day. 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem. Considering it's quite likely that one day someone you know will suffer with a type of mental health problem, 9 out of 10 people with mental health problems experience stigma and discrimination and nearly 3 in 4 young people fear the reactions of friends when they talk about their mental health problems.
Due to the stigma and fear of peoples reactions some people can be reluctant to seek help, which makes recovery slower and more difficult. Asking for help is one of the most difficult things to do, but also the most rewarding thing to do because it's the start of recovery. If you can just tell one person what you're going through whether it be a friend, family member or even a doctor, that is the first and biggest step you can do.
In the past I've had messages off people asking why I'm so open about my mental health and how I do it without having the fear of being judged. Well the answers to those is that there is no reason to fear getting judged. In my opinion, if someone judges you, chances are they don't understand and if they're not willing to listen and try and understand then they aren't worth having around you. There is nothing to be ashamed of. If you can be open about physical illnesses, you can be open about mental illnesses. It still confuses me why mental illnesses aren't treated the same as physical illnesses.
The reason I am so open about my mental health isn't for sympathy or attention as some people might say, it's because there is no reason why I shouldn't be open about it. Yes, I struggle with anxiety, depression and self harm, yes I am on anti depressants to help me, but that is no different from having a sore throat or a broken leg and having to take medication to help you deal with the pain.
If you think you are struggling with a mental illness, whether it be anxiety, OCD, bipolar or anything else, speak up and talk to someone. The best thing you can do is ask for help and not suffer alone.