things are looking up..

I havent cut for a few days now :D which im really proud of myself for and ive been on no major downers either...im kinda happy for myself, although it feels strange.


STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.
Tonight, i managed to go out for a meal with my mum, her boyfriend and my best friend and her pub. I was SO anxious, but I still pushed myself to go. I actually had quite a laugh with April, and it was good fun. Having April with me really helped because she took my mind off things and distracted me. It was good fun.

yay..

I found out last night that everyone on big brother was going to be sick tonight...BUT I still watched it. I only had to look away from the TV twice! im so proud of myself :D

I kept it a secret for years..

When my anxiety started getting the better of me and i stopped going to school, I told people I had migraines, because I was too ashamed to say I had mental problems.
When I had to leave school half way through the day because I was too anxious to stay, I said its because my head was bad.
When I went to my appointments at CAMHS, I would say I was leaving to go to the hospital to see how my migraines were getting on with my 'new meds'.
I felt better saying I had migraines than saying I had 'mental illnesses'. I was too ashamed and too scared that people would judge me.
I eventually told one of my close friends that I had anxiety and not migraines and thats why I missed so much school.
I felt she was really understanding, and didn't judge, which made me feel more confident about it.
I then improved from there, and started telling people 'the real reason' I missed so much school.

Since then, as I've had even more mental problems, I've not been ashamed to hide it. I'm open about it, and I don't care what people think, if they judge, they aren't true friends and they don't deserve to be in my life.

:)

confused.

Ever get those moods where you just don't know what to do anymore?
Well yeah, I'm in one of those moods.
I'm not happy..but I'm not sad.. I just don't know. It's strange.
Although..I'm more sad than happy..
And I still want to give up.
I can't carry on living like this..
But I'm not strong enough to beat it all.

the younger days where i didnt care.

I wish I was young. I didn't have to worry about all these things I have to now. I dont want to grow older, as I will have more things to worry about, I was to go younger again. Shame these things arent possible :(

Friends

Its kind of sad, but the only people I feel I can talk to are the ones I've met online. I mean, some of them aren't going through the same stuff as I am, yet they still support me and sound like they understand. If I told my real life friends, they would judge me. People judge too quickly these days. I love my online friends, and I hope I can meet them all one day! Especially my big sis because I would be lost without her xxxx

CAMHS FAIL AGAIN.

Just come back from my CAMHS appointment.
Shit again.
thinking of closing my case as they 'cant do anymore'.
They didnt even discuss my self harming.
I give up. I want to end it all now.

happier post.

After such a bad few days, ive had a few long chats with my big sis, and i woke up today feeling a lot better :)!
I managed to go into town with my mum for a few hours and get a few bits and pieces, then ive come back to find i have an appointment in CAMHS tomorrow, and next Thursday..so things are looking up a bit.. and ive not S.H today either :) woop. thanks for everything Caroline :) xxx

Depression is getting the better of me today

Just a little post before I go off to bed.
I've had a really bad day today. Just a random downer, slept all morning, got up about 2:00pm, and chilled downstairs in my pyjamas, I then got a shower about 4:00ish and then my mums friend Ger came over. He noticed straight away that I wasnt right, but i still said i was fine, and you could tell he wouldnt believe me :-/, mum also noticed i was quiet. i dont know why ive had a bad day though. i also cut, (a little bit), for the first time in a few days..it was only a scratch or two..or three or four...and ive watched Peter Andre on tv tonight then catched up with the soaps so a relaxed day really. I just hope tomorrow is a better day for all. Night night xx

Worry night & depression update.

It's nearly 2am. Like most nights I'm sat in bed worrying. Now I know there is a bug going around the village I'm worse. Fml. I always panic more at night as that is when most people are sick because your body relaxes.

On a better note, my depression hasnt been as bad these past few days, or the self harm. BONUS.

Emetophobia takes control

Apparently there is a 'sicky bug' going around :-(! PANIC!
someone from my village put a status up on facebook, im now worrying about going out! ARGH, why do people feel the need to put it up on facebook that they have been sick! i mean, they dont put it up if theyve been for a shit! annoyed.com! anyway, that stressed me out and caused a cut or two :-/. but except for that i've had a good day. spent the morning in bed, and the afternoon with my mum's, boyfriends kids (IM NOW WORRYING INCASE THEY CARRY A BUG WHEN THEY COME). :-( and after that i went for a walk with my dog and my mum, then i took my kitten for a walk along the estate (cos im cool)! hopefully going to the county show tomorrow, so that will be a challenge, i hope i can go, im fed up of being stuck inside all the time! it sucks! i want to beat all this NOW.

Happy post!

Last night I managed to beat my anxiety! i went out to the local pub at about 8:45pm until about 12:00am. I was with all my mums friends, her boyfriend, and two of my friends. I had been worrying about it for weeks! but now looking back i think 'why was i so anxious?!'
im so glad i went though! i had such an awesome time!
<3