CAMHS tomorrow.....

will update you and let you all know how it goes. kinda anxious but i dont know why :S i have a feeling nothing is going to be done.

brother..

*rant alert*

BROTHERS, who needs them. my mum has NO control what so ever over my brother, he does something wrong, she attempts to tell him off, but does he listen? no. she should know by now that the way to get him under control is to take his xbox/playstation off him when hes naughty. he walks around the house telling people to 'fuck off' calling people a bitch, cunt, slag etc. yes, i know i wasnt the perfect child, but surely thats out of order for a 13 year old? i mean, i would never have been able to get away with that when i was his age..i had my laptop taken off me for the slightest thing..even down to my mental illnesses, i'd be punished for not being able to attend school. ARGH, im actually ashamed of him and my mum for not having any control whatsoever. im the one who has to take his ipod etc off him to control him because my mum doesnt do anything. ARGH.

*rant over*

camhs tomorrow..

i dont want to go. last week Emma had a student with her..shes meant to be there again tomorrow..
my mum and i told Emma that I didnt want the student in the room..Emma kicked her out for 10mins max, and brought her back in..after we told her i didnt want her there.. i dont want to go tomorrow.. im so stressed out about it.. what if emma brings the student in again.. i have no choice.. if i walk out its like i dont want to get better. i do want to get better, its just hard with the student in there. IM STUCK. i want to run away tonight and not come back till 4:00 and its too late to go to the appointment.

I don't even know if this makes sense, I just wrote it as I felt it.

i dont even know what to say right now..but I feel I need to say something..right now, I wish I wasn't alive. I wish I was dead. Most people will think that I am making this up, but I'm not. I wish I wasn't here. The only thing keeping me going is those few people I've met online. I feel like I have nothing to live for any more. I feel like I'm going to be like this forever..yes, everyone says 'if you think like that you will be like that..' or 'it's only you who can make the changes, you're in control.' but I feel like I can't take control. I don't know where to start. I have all these horrible, suicidal thoughts going through my head..I don't want to take part in life any more. I don't want to fight all this any more. Things would be better if I wasn't here. People may say that I'm just giving in, which I am, but being strong hasn't got me anywhere, so why don't I just be the real me, the failure that I am. The girl who can't take control of her own life. I've decided I'm going to have to start bottling things up again as it's not fair on the people I tell because it puts pressure on them to look out for me. If I wasn't here, people wouldn't have to worry about me. People could get on with their own lives, especially my mum, without having me hold her back. I wish everyone would just forget about me. I don't know what to do any more. I don't know who to tell and what to tell them. I want to go to bed and sleep forever. Yes, it sounds selfish and that I'm only thinking of myself, but I can't do this any more. I have nothing to live for.