I don't even know if this makes sense, I just wrote it as I felt it.

i dont even know what to say right now..but I feel I need to say something..right now, I wish I wasn't alive. I wish I was dead. Most people will think that I am making this up, but I'm not. I wish I wasn't here. The only thing keeping me going is those few people I've met online. I feel like I have nothing to live for any more. I feel like I'm going to be like this forever..yes, everyone says 'if you think like that you will be like that..' or 'it's only you who can make the changes, you're in control.' but I feel like I can't take control. I don't know where to start. I have all these horrible, suicidal thoughts going through my head..I don't want to take part in life any more. I don't want to fight all this any more. Things would be better if I wasn't here. People may say that I'm just giving in, which I am, but being strong hasn't got me anywhere, so why don't I just be the real me, the failure that I am. The girl who can't take control of her own life. I've decided I'm going to have to start bottling things up again as it's not fair on the people I tell because it puts pressure on them to look out for me. If I wasn't here, people wouldn't have to worry about me. People could get on with their own lives, especially my mum, without having me hold her back. I wish everyone would just forget about me. I don't know what to do any more. I don't know who to tell and what to tell them. I want to go to bed and sleep forever. Yes, it sounds selfish and that I'm only thinking of myself, but I can't do this any more. I have nothing to live for.