Just realised I've not updated for a while.
Things have been going good! Recovery has been going really well.
I've achieved so much these last few weeks. Even if its just little things like walking down to my dads house on my own, going into a shop on my own and going out for a meal with my dad and step-mum. They seem like little things but to me they're huge. I've also been eating 2 meals a day, which is something I haven't done for a longggggg time.
I've had no major lows either which means I've not been self harming! I was a month clean. Basically things have overall been going well! No major panic attacks either. Obviously, I've still had bad days, like everyone else. I've still had to push myself really hard to achieve things, but I'm doing it, and I'm getting through all this.
I'm finally beginning to believe there is an end to all this. One day I will beat it.

Concert and shopping

I should have done this post a week ago, but I kept forgetting.. oops!
But yeah..
Last Friday, I traveled down to Liverpool to go and see Peter Andre in concert, along with The Rise (a band I've been talking to on twitter for ages, check them out @theriseofficial), The Risk, who were on x factor a few years ago, and Sam Gray.
I was so anxious (see previous post), I honestly didn't think I was going to make it, BUT I did, and I'm so glad I went, it was the best weekend in a long time.

So on the Friday after my dad and my step-mum picked me up and we picked up my best friend, April, we headed over to by dads new house near Chester, as we were staying there after the concert. My anxiety was more or less fine once we were on our way. But we went to my dads house, literally threw all our stuff in, then carried on down to Liverpool.. anxiety and everything was manageable.
We got to the arena, went in and found our seats. We were really early though, so me and April went downstairs to meet a lovely girl I'd been speaking to on twitter, another fellow Andre fan, called Beth. My anxiety began to rise when I knew I was about to meet her, like what if she didn't like me etc, but we got on really well, and her friends were lovely too. We had a long chat and a fan girl moment about seeing Pete, then we went our separate ways to our seats again, after a chat.
The Rise came on stage and I thought I was going to faint. haha. I was so happy to see them. They were amazing just as I'd expected. They completely smashed it! After The Rise had done their set, The Risk came on.. They weren't as good as The Rise, but they were ok! ;). then after the Risk, Sam Gray was coming on. April & I sat through like half of his first song, then had a text off Beth saying that The Rise were apparently downstairs, so we left half way through Sam and went to meet Mike and Ant (The Rise). I was really anxious about meeting them as I'd been speaking to them for so long on twitter, I was like 'what if they don't like me?' hahaha, but they were really really nice guys! Stood and spoke with them for a while, until it was almost time for Pete to come on, then me & April went back to our seats.

Mike, me and Ant.

Pete, was AMAZING. I loved seeing him so much. I was so happy. He was just perfect! The way everything was set out, the way he involved the crowd in most songs, getting everyone up to sing and dance, it was just perfect.
After Pete, it was time to go.. We went back down to the doors, and saw The Rise to say bye, then met up with Beth again.. We were all going to go and see Pete in his hotel, but when we got outside, it was white with snow, so decided against the idea, and went home before we got stranded in Liverpool. It took us like 2 and a half hours to get home instead of 40 minutes, although we did stop for a McDonald's..!
Overall it was such a great night. I just want to go and relive it all again. I'm so happy I didn't have any major panic attacks and I coped so well!


On the Saturday we slept most of the morning, but when we got up, my step-mum decided to take me and April into Chester to do some shopping. I was quite anxious about this, I'm not sure why though. I could feel my anxiety rising as time went on before we left, but once we left it was fine. It was so good to have a girly afternoon out shopping. It's something that doesn't happen often! It was such good fun, and I got a few really nice things.
After shopping, we went back, got our stuff, and came home.. well I went to my dads other house, near my mums. We went back, and sorted a few more wedding invites out and then I decided to come back to my mums as I was so tired.
Overall it was such a good weekend. I'm so glad I went. I was so happy.

Anxiety - concert and night away.

On Friday I'm meant to be going to see Peter Andre and The Rise on tour in Liverpool. As much as I want to go and see them, my anxiety is through the roof. It's only Wednesday. I have lost so many hours sleep over this. Worrying about things that probably won't even happen. I've had so many panic attacks already.
Not only do I have to go and deal with the concert on the Friday, I'm also staying at my dads new house after and on the Saturday, I'm meant to be going shopping in the morning then a football match in the afternoon.
I don't know how I'm going to cope.
I should be looking forward to a night away seeing Pete and spending time with my dad, step-mum and my best friend, but instead I just want it over with already.
I'm going to make myself even more ill with all this anxiety. I just can't cope with it.
I don't know what to do anymore :'(

Things are going well.. I guess.

I just realised I haven't blogged since Christmas, so happy new year to you all!

Anyway, bit of an update of what's been happening so far this year.
Things have been going well. I seem to be beating depression as I've not felt as low, and I've not cut for 3 weeks. This might not seem an achievement to some, but to me it's huuuuge. I'm so proud of myself. It's not been easy, but I'm getting there.
Anxiety wise, I've not really been out much. I've had a kidney infection for about 2 weeks, I refused to go to the doctors until Friday, but I'm now on antibiotics so hopefully that'll help and I'll get better! My next goal is to sort this anxiety out. I've decided that the anxiety is probably the main cause to my depression, because I'm depressed because I can't go out, if you get me?
I think if I can beat the anxiety, everything else will be easier. I hope I'm right!
There's been a lot of things going on at home recently again, things are still awful here, but I'll get through it.
I'm also spending a lot more time down at my dads house which is good!

I am beginning to sink back down now, but I'm hoping by writing a positive post will stop me from sinking too far.

I hope everyone else's year is going good!