A pair of running shoes cures depression?

I'm not usually too bothered by Katie Hopkins and her views on things, but her recent outburst regarding depression has really upset me.


"People with depression do not need a doctor and a bottle of something that rattles. They need a pair of running shoes and fresh air." Depression is an illness. You do need a doctor and possibly medication. A pair of running shoes does not cure depression. Imagine telling someone with cancer to go and get a pair of running shoes and go outside? I am living proof that running shoes and fresh air do not cure depression. When I was deep into my depression, I went outside, walking for at least 30 minutes a day. Surprisingly, that did not cure my depression. I went to the doctor, got given an anti-depressant, and now I am finally getting better.

"depression must be catching...." You cannot catch depression. Depression is a mental illness, it is not like a cold virus where someone can sneeze on you and you'll catch it.

"There is no stigma around depression. There are only realists and people pissed off because their train is delayed." This message in itself shows that there is still stigma surrounding depression.

"Get a grip." If only it was just as easy as to 'get a grip'. Depression is an illness, you cannot just get a grip. It is out of your control. You cannot control how bad you are going to feel. It's just not that simple.

''If you are suicidal, for goodness sake top yourself in private. Attention seeking b*stards." If you are suicidal, you don't think about killing yourself in private. You want to get it over and done with. Also, by attempting suicide, they are not after attention. It's sad that people feel so depressed that they feel suicide is the only way out.



These are just a few of the things this vile woman has said. Depression is an illness. A real illness. You should never be ashamed to seek help. If you need help from a doctor, there is nothing wrong with that. If you need medication, there is also nothing wrong with that.
You can beat depression with the right help and support. Never be ashamed to speak up. You're wouldn't be ashamed of having a cold, or even cancer, so why be ashamed of having depression?
There is light at the end of the tunnel. You can get better from this horrible illness. Never give up and never take any notice of what other people think. To be able to seek help for depression shows how strong you are anyway. Having to get up everyday, wishing you weren't alive, shows how strong you are. You can get through this.

My biggest challenge yet..

A few weeks ago I faced one of my biggest challenges yet - using public transport and going away for the day.

I woke up at 7:30am. I wasn't leaving until 8:45am, but I wanted to make sure I was ready in plenty of time so I didn't have to rush. When I woke up, surprisingly, I wasn't that anxious. I got up, had a shower and got myself ready. I managed to eat breakfast, which was a slight struggle because by that time it was about 8:30am and I could feel my anxiety raising and I started to feel slightly nauseas, but I knew I had to eat, so I forced some cereal down me.

Just as we were about to leave, a thought crossed my mind.. 'should I take a razor with me?' .. now let me explain. When I was in a bad place a few years ago, as many of you may know, I used to self harm. When I was anxious, I'd self harm as a distraction. I had a huge debate in my head as to whether I should take a razor with me, so if my anxiety gets really bad I can disappear and hurt myself to try and calm myself down. I hadn't had thoughts like that for a good few months. After a long debate in my head, I decided to not take anything with me that I could use to harm myself.

I left to go to the station at 8:45am. I went in the car with my mum, and I drove there. It took about 20 minutes, and my anxiety wasn't too bad because I was focused on driving.

When I got out of the car at the station I had a big wave of anxiety as I was walking onto the platform to wait for the train. I felt sick. I could feel myself getting really hot and shaking. I started to feel dizzy. My mum came with me to wait for the train so I tried to hide it from her. I did some deep breathing to try and calm myself down.

As the train arrived, my anxiety levels were still really high. I did think about running away back home, but I knew I couldn't. I'd come this far, I knew my anxiety levels couldn't stay this high forever.

I got on the train, still feeling quite anxious. Once the train started moving my anxiety went, and it all felt quite surreal. I actually couldn't believe I was doing it.
The rest of the journey went really well. It was only just over an hour. I did get waves of anxiety, but it didn't get completely out of control so I managed to cope.

I had a fabulous day out with my friend. I achieved so many things. Going away from my comfort zone for the day. I ate out which I'm not very comfortable doing. It was great to achieve so many different things that a few years ago seemed impossible.

Not only did I achieve going on the train for the first time in over 10 years and the first time on my own, I also got on a bus with my friend. I haven't been on a bus for about 6 years either. I didn't really feel anxious getting the bus because I knew I had my friend with me for support.

This was one of the best days ever. I achieved so many different things. These achievements may seem small to some people, but to me they are huge. I never thought I'd be able to get on public transport and go out for the day. Going back a year or two, this just seemed impossible. After this trip it really hit me how well I'm doing with recovery. I have come so far over the last year.
I feel like now I've done all that, I can do almost anything. I've gone from sitting in my room feeling too anxious to go to the garden, to going out for the day to a strange city.

It goes to show that recovery is possible and you can beat anxiety one step at a time.

Stay strong.

Natalie xxx

It's the little things.

The other day I was just scrolling through my Facebook timeline where I saw a friend had liked a picture with a girl holding up a sign saying "Suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better."
This post really hit me. It is so true, if you go through with suicide it does eliminate the possibility of life ever getting better. It made me sit and think about all the little things that have happened in my life over the last few years.
If I rewind to about 2 or 3 years ago, I was in the darkest place I have ever been. Feeling depressed, suicidal, self harming everyday and having anxiety which was so bad I struggled to just step into the front garden because I felt so anxious. I just didn't see any point in me being alive and I did attempt to take my own life. I saw no hope in ever getting better and I thought I would always be like that. The girl who couldn't go past her front gates without having panic attacks.
Now, a few years on, I am actually quite glad I didn't succeed with my suicide attempts. I am in a much better place. If I had succeeded with suicide I wouldn't be able to do the things I do now. I wouldn't say I'm completely better, but my anxiety and depression are much more under control.
I've started reflecting on the things I have achieved over the last few months, that if I wasn't here I wouldn't have achieved.

• I've started college after not being in education for the last 4 years due to my anxiety. This means I have made new friends who I wouldn't have known if I wasn't here.
• I have also started driving lessons which I had been putting off for 2 years.
• Even the little things like spending times with my friends, going to a concert or going out for food. I wouldn't be able to see the sunrise every morning.
• I wouldn't be able to go for a walk on a chilly autumn day and walk on all the fallen leaves with my dog running around next to me.

It's all the little things. I think everyone should take time to reflect every now and then and just see how much they have achieved. Sometimes you can be so wrapped up in life you just don't notice the little things you have achieved. Sometimes even just getting out of bed can be an achievement.

Stay strong and never give up :)

Natalie x

Pushing my anxiety to the limit

I thought I'd write an update on how things are going with college and one major thing that I am challenging my anxiety with..

College is going really well. I'm finding it much easier as time is going on. I still get slightly anxious before I leave to go, but once I've stepped out of the house I find my anxiety levels go down. I'm keeping up with the work ok which is good. The girl I became quite close to has dropped out so I thought I'd find it more difficult because I hadn't really spoken to anyone else there, but I'm coping fine. Everyone there is so nice and friendly. So overall everything there is going really well.. I just need to start thinking what to do in September when this course finishes... eeek, that's a scary thought.

Another huge thing which has happened recently is I've booked train tickets to go on a train (obviously). To most people this seems like a 'normal' thing to do, but this is a huge deal to me. I've struggled with going on public transport for as long as I can remember. Even just going on a bus for 15 minutes to get to school was too much for me to handle. I have not been on any type of public transport for about 6 years, and I haven't been on a train for over 10 years, never mind getting on the train on my own! Getting on public transport has been something I've been wanting to do for years, but I just haven't been able to. Just the thought of getting on a bus or train would trigger my anxiety and I would end up having a panic attack. I'm not 100% sure why I find it so scary. I think part of it is being stuck on there with people I don't know and knowing once I'm on there, I'm stuck for the duration of the journey. Anyway, my friend asked me if I wanted to meet up with her and go shopping. She lives an hour train ride away from me. If I go back a year, I would have immediately said no, but this time I hesitated before I replied and thought to myself that this was a perfect opportunity for me to push my anxiety and go on a train. It's not a long journey so it's perfect to see how I get on, and it means I will be able to spend the day with my friend. I decided, yes, this is the time. I will give it a go.
I booked my tickets, picked them up from the train station and now it feels so real and it's actually going to happen. I am going to push my anxiety to the limit and get on a train.
I'm so anxious about it, because not only am I going on the train, I will also be going to a new city that I don't know, right away from my comfort zone, but if I don't do it, I know I'll just regret it, like all the other opportunities I've missed because of my anxiety. I will definitely update you all on how I get on. Hopefully the day will go smoothly and I will be able to keep my anxiety under control...

Wish me luck!

Natalie

College & Anxiety United.

I've started college!! I've not been in education since I left school about 4 years ago due to my anxiety. I'd been thinking about applying for college since the beginning of the year. I made it my achievement in my head, that I really wanted to start doing a course in September.
In August I decided right, it was about time I applied. I'd been putting it off for months and thought if I don't push myself and do it now, will I ever do it?
I sent off the application form and within a week or two I received a letter back saying that I'd been accepted and when my start date was.
I immediately felt a rush of anxiety.
I had loads of thoughts running through my head.

Am I actually ready for this?
What happens if I'm not ready?
What happens if I get there and feel too anxious to go in?
What happens if I get a panic attack in class?
What will happen if no one likes me?

These were just a few of the thoughts running through my head. I kept telling myself I would be fine, it was only two hours a week and two hours will be fine.

When the day arrived I didn't feel as anxious as I thought I would have been. This completely threw me. As college isn't until 6pm, I thought I'd be spending all day worrying, but I didn't. I managed to carry on with the rest of my day as planned.
About an hour before I was meant to leave the anxiety started kicking in and all the thoughts were racing around my head but I knew I had to do this. Not just for me, but for everyone around me.
I managed to hold myself together and arrived at the college, I went in and the man at reception told me and another guy who arrived at the same time where to go. I headed up the stairs to the classroom. At this point my anxiety was sky high. I didn't know whether to keep going or turn around and run out. I decided I was there now, I couldn't back out so I went ahead and walked into the classroom. I sat down on a table with about 4 other people. As the lesson went on, I found my anxiety went away.
When I got home after college I felt really low. I didn't quite understand why I was feeling so low. I had just completed my biggest achievement for years. I should have been feeling proud and over the moon, but I wasn't. I felt the worst I had felt for months. I just couldn't understand what was going on, which made me feel even worse. I just wanted to hide myself away. For the rest of the week I felt low, but by college the next week I was feeling slightly better. I then had a huge battle with my head as to whether to attend college or not. Having felt so low after it the week before I honestly didn't know if I would be able to cope if I felt low again.
After opening up to a close friend I decided to give it another go. I got there, went in, and as soon as the tutor entered she announced that she had a bug and for people to keep away from her. She said she'd been off all day and only came in because they couldn't find cover. Well obviously, having emetophobia, I just walked straight out of the room, and left college without saying a word to anyone. I was on the verge of a panic attack. I phoned my mum and asked her to come and collect me. I went home and then felt pathetic for not being able to stay and had loads of negative thoughts running through my head. At the end of the day I decided it's not my fault I have this phobia. I can just try again next week.
The next week arrived and I felt more anxious than I had ever felt going to college. I just couldn't do it, especially after the bad experience the week before. I explained to my mum that I couldn't go.
We then came to an agreement that she would come into college with me and explain to my tutor that I had anxiety and if I couldn't cope could I just walk out of the classroom and leave etc. After speaking to the tutor who was so understanding I felt so much better but was still too anxious to sit through the lesson that week so I went back home with my mum.
Since all that, I have been to both of the last lessons and I have coped fine. After a rocky start I am now happily going there. I have found a really nice friend there which makes it so much easier. I just hope it carries on like this.
I guess after being out of education for 4 years I should have expected to have a bit of a rocky start, but I'm getting there with the help of my amazing friends.


On another note I just wanted to mention Anxiety United. The people on that site have given me some amazing support and they are so lovely.
I have been writing a few blog posts on there too. You can find my latest one here.
If you haven't already you should follow Anxiety United on twitter @AnxietyUnited and check out their website here.

World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental Health day. 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem. Considering it's quite likely that one day someone you know will suffer with a type of mental health problem, 9 out of 10 people with mental health problems experience stigma and discrimination and nearly 3 in 4 young people fear the reactions of friends when they talk about their mental health problems.
Due to the stigma and fear of peoples reactions some people can be reluctant to seek help, which makes recovery slower and more difficult. Asking for help is one of the most difficult things to do, but also the most rewarding thing to do because it's the start of recovery. If you can just tell one person what you're going through whether it be a friend, family member or even a doctor, that is the first and biggest step you can do.
In the past I've had messages off people asking why I'm so open about my mental health and how I do it without having the fear of being judged. Well the answers to those is that there is no reason to fear getting judged. In my opinion, if someone judges you, chances are they don't understand and if they're not willing to listen and try and understand then they aren't worth having around you. There is nothing to be ashamed of. If you can be open about physical illnesses, you can be open about mental illnesses. It still confuses me why mental illnesses aren't treated the same as physical illnesses.
The reason I am so open about my mental health isn't for sympathy or attention as some people might say, it's because there is no reason why I shouldn't be open about it. Yes, I struggle with anxiety, depression and self harm, yes I am on anti depressants to help me, but that is no different from having a sore throat or a broken leg and having to take medication to help you deal with the pain.
If you think you are struggling with a mental illness, whether it be anxiety, OCD, bipolar or anything else, speak up and talk to someone. The best thing you can do is ask for help and not suffer alone.

Driving lesson

I don't think I mentioned in my last post, but a few weeks ago I had my first ever driving lesson. I wanted to start driving lessons when I turned 17, but my anxiety was always too bad at the thought of it so I never did it. Now, almost two years later, I have started my driving lessons! I'm enjoying it so much. I'm so glad I feel ready to do it. Natalie 1, anxiety 0!