A few weeks ago I faced one of my biggest challenges yet - using public transport and going away for the day.
I woke up at 7:30am. I wasn't leaving until 8:45am, but I wanted to make sure I was ready in plenty of time so I didn't have to rush. When I woke up, surprisingly, I wasn't that anxious. I got up, had a shower and got myself ready. I managed to eat breakfast, which was a slight struggle because by that time it was about 8:30am and I could feel my anxiety raising and I started to feel slightly nauseas, but I knew I had to eat, so I forced some cereal down me.
I woke up at 7:30am. I wasn't leaving until 8:45am, but I wanted to make sure I was ready in plenty of time so I didn't have to rush. When I woke up, surprisingly, I wasn't that anxious. I got up, had a shower and got myself ready. I managed to eat breakfast, which was a slight struggle because by that time it was about 8:30am and I could feel my anxiety raising and I started to feel slightly nauseas, but I knew I had to eat, so I forced some cereal down me.
Just as we were about to leave, a thought crossed my mind.. 'should I take a razor with me?' .. now let me explain. When I was in a bad place a few years ago, as many of you may know, I used to self harm. When I was anxious, I'd self harm as a distraction. I had a huge debate in my head as to whether I should take a razor with me, so if my anxiety gets really bad I can disappear and hurt myself to try and calm myself down. I hadn't had thoughts like that for a good few months. After a long debate in my head, I decided to not take anything with me that I could use to harm myself.
I left to go to the station at 8:45am. I went in the car with my mum, and I drove there. It took about 20 minutes, and my anxiety wasn't too bad because I was focused on driving.
When I got out of the car at the station I had a big wave of anxiety as I was walking onto the platform to wait for the train. I felt sick. I could feel myself getting really hot and shaking. I started to feel dizzy. My mum came with me to wait for the train so I tried to hide it from her. I did some deep breathing to try and calm myself down.
As the train arrived, my anxiety levels were still really high. I did think about running away back home, but I knew I couldn't. I'd come this far, I knew my anxiety levels couldn't stay this high forever.
I got on the train, still feeling quite anxious. Once the train started moving my anxiety went, and it all felt quite surreal. I actually couldn't believe I was doing it.
The rest of the journey went really well. It was only just over an hour. I did get waves of anxiety, but it didn't get completely out of control so I managed to cope.
I had a fabulous day out with my friend. I achieved so many things. Going away from my comfort zone for the day. I ate out which I'm not very comfortable doing. It was great to achieve so many different things that a few years ago seemed impossible.
Not only did I achieve going on the train for the first time in over 10 years and the first time on my own, I also got on a bus with my friend. I haven't been on a bus for about 6 years either. I didn't really feel anxious getting the bus because I knew I had my friend with me for support.
This was one of the best days ever. I achieved so many different things. These achievements may seem small to some people, but to me they are huge. I never thought I'd be able to get on public transport and go out for the day. Going back a year or two, this just seemed impossible. After this trip it really hit me how well I'm doing with recovery. I have come so far over the last year.
I feel like now I've done all that, I can do almost anything. I've gone from sitting in my room feeling too anxious to go to the garden, to going out for the day to a strange city.
It goes to show that recovery is possible and you can beat anxiety one step at a time.
Stay strong.
Natalie xxx
The rest of the journey went really well. It was only just over an hour. I did get waves of anxiety, but it didn't get completely out of control so I managed to cope.
I had a fabulous day out with my friend. I achieved so many things. Going away from my comfort zone for the day. I ate out which I'm not very comfortable doing. It was great to achieve so many different things that a few years ago seemed impossible.
Not only did I achieve going on the train for the first time in over 10 years and the first time on my own, I also got on a bus with my friend. I haven't been on a bus for about 6 years either. I didn't really feel anxious getting the bus because I knew I had my friend with me for support.
This was one of the best days ever. I achieved so many different things. These achievements may seem small to some people, but to me they are huge. I never thought I'd be able to get on public transport and go out for the day. Going back a year or two, this just seemed impossible. After this trip it really hit me how well I'm doing with recovery. I have come so far over the last year.
I feel like now I've done all that, I can do almost anything. I've gone from sitting in my room feeling too anxious to go to the garden, to going out for the day to a strange city.
It goes to show that recovery is possible and you can beat anxiety one step at a time.
Stay strong.
Natalie xxx
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