Bottling up..

I'm starting to bottle things up again.. I feel like I can't tell anyone anything and everyone is getting fed up of me moaning..well in all honesty, I can't blame them. People say they care, but deep down I'm pretty sure they don't. No one would notice if I was gone...

i have a CAMHS appointment tomorrow...

with my new therapist Emma.. I'm REALLY anxious as its only going to be my second meeting with her and im not sure how she works yet :S im really anxious.. i guess i should tell her about my suicidal thoughts..but i dont know..a few people i know have said i should be put into hospital, but im scared of that happening.. i dont want to go and im scared if im honest with Emma then that will happen. im scared of telling her how i truly feel incase  i get locked up. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

ive been doing so well..

and tonight all these negative thoughts are back. what is the point in life? what is the point in me fighting this. im a failure, waste of space, fat ugly mess. i hate everything about me. i hate everything about my life. i hate everything.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

:D

to all those moaning about going back to school/college tomorrow,think yourself lucky that you can actually go. some of us are unable to leave the house to go and finish our education and get good grades to get a good job. some people don't think how lucky they are not having to worry about how to cope with another day of shit. moaning you have depression because your partner split up with you think yourself lucky you have a reason behind your depression, at least you know you'll be happy again in the future when you find someone else. there are lots of people who really need to realise how lucky they are..

i shouldn't be negative....

...but I just have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a shit fucking day.

mixed emotions.

well over all today ive had a goodish day...ive been in a good mood as ive had my step brothers/sisters over to distract me and it was a good laugh..but at the same time im really upset, its my granddads birthday today and he died a few months back. i wasnt that close to him, but i miss him like mad and as i know ill never see him again.. now im sat down im thinking and its not good. im watching Peter Andre to try cheer me up, but its not working. i feel like it should be me lying in that grave not him. he didnt deserve to die.anyway, i have my amazing facebook family and twitter family to talk to so i should cheer up soon. trying to hold back these tears..:/xx

New therapist..

Well...today I had my appointment with my new therapist for the first time.
I feel so positive.
She really seemed to take everything in I was telling her.
She's going to google emetophobia.
I could really open up to her.
She seemed to realise that the phobia was the main problem.
I told her about my self harm.
I told her about my suicidal thoughts(not into detail).


For the first meeting it went really well. I feel so positive about the next meeting. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel? maybe i have found the right person to work with to help me better.

general update.

Heeey  guys :)


Hope you're all doing good? so yeh.. erm, things are .. yeah, good i guess. I've been in a good mood for a few days now. I've thrown away all my razors *dances* I've not been very low, although I have been keeping to myself a bit in my room rather than mixing with the other family members. Hopefully things will keep looking up :'). I met my new counsellor on.. Friday i think it was.. I think im going to get along really well with her, she seems really nice, and is understanding. She's coming again in about two weeks, and we are going to have weekly appointments at mine. We are going to aim to build a friendship and for me to trust her, then shes going to try and take me out for walks etc bit by bit..slowly and in my own time which is good :). much better than CAMHS, well talk about CAMHS, been trying to get hold of them since Monday, its now...Thursday, about my medication because I want to come off the prozac as it doesnt seem to be helping me.
As for my eating, I'm lucky if I eat one meal a day.. :) 
BOOOM, yeah...thats everything:)