Positive day > Camhs tomorrow.

Today a rather good day. I spent most of it with my 3 year old step sister(Alannah) and my brother(Liam). I took Alannah down to the beach for a little walk and an ice lolly while my step dad stayed home with the rest of my step siblings.
It was really nice to get out and have the responsibility of watching Alannah. I was really impressed with how well she behaved and listened to me! I'll post a few pictures of her out on our walk.
I spent an hour tonight at my dads as Liam wanted to pick a few things up.
I then came back with Liam and watched scary movie 3. I love it when me & Liam get along (which is rare!).
I haven't really felt low all day!

I'm in a good mood.

CAMHS tomorrow. Hence why I'm awake at this time. I'm stressing. I don't know what to expect. I'm so anxious. Will update on how things went. I'm not getting much sleep tonight by the looks of things, which sucks!

Mums new job - anxiety.

Mums starting a new job tomorrow. I'm really anxious about her going as she won't be able to have her phone on her.
My mum is like my safety net, I guess. I only feel safe when I know I can contact her. Like in her other jobs, she's always had her phone on her and in emergency she can come home. With this job I can't speak to her until she's finished..which could be like 10 hours.
Really stressing about it.
What if something goes wrong at home?
Emetophobia thoughts are taking over too. What if I'm sick and she can't come and help me?
What if I have a huge panic attack and I need her to calm me down?
All these thoughts are racing around my head.
I shouldn't be relying on my mum like this, but somewhere inside me is making me. Im sure most 17 year olds want their mum to go to work to get rid of them. Why can I be like that? Argh.
I just want to be normal :(.

On a more positive note, I've not cut for a few days.

Today was a good day:-)

Woke up in a really good mood, but really anxious though. I chilled all afternoon with my mum and stepdad until my counsellor came at 4pm. Didn't really want to go out as I was too anxious, but we went out for a drive for about 20 minutes.
I then pushed myself to go to tesco with my mum, mainly because I wanted to make sure she bought alcohol *innocent face*.
I then went to my grandparents house for an hour and had cuddles with Sasha, their dog and helped my grandad in the garden :)
I also had post from my good friend, Lauren :)
Now down at my dads house sat with him and my stepmum watching some football crap on tv but I feel pretty calm. Back up to my mums in a bit though as I don't feel confident enough to stay over here.
I hope tomorrow is a good day too.

Families.

Things have been awful at home recently, especially between me & my step dad. We've been arguing about the stupidest things. My mums also being a bitch to me when she's around him. Last night I felt really low. This morning I woke up feeling really low. I decided enough was enough and put a plan into action to end it all. I went for a walk with my mum and planned on it being the last time we spent together, but something clicked inside me and I decided I was stronger all this.
I spent all afternoon with my mum today and she was fine, then as soon as my stepdad came home, she was a bitch with me..so this then, made me feel worthless and I felt worse again.
I needed to get away from this house, so tonight I went down to my dads for an hour or so. I felt so happy down there. I can't even explain it. I felt wanted. My brother was really nice, my dad was really nice. They included me into conversations. I don't know. I just felt generally happier. I then came home and instantly felt my mood drop, until my friend called me and made me laugh. I now feel a lot better so I'm going to sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day *I wish*

Yesterday was a good day.

I woke up in a good mood. Spent most of the day chilling with my brother and two step brothers..watching tv, Xbox etc. I ate 2 meals and didn't binge or restrict. I also went for a small walk with my mum.
I spent from midnight - 3:30am on the Xbox with my brother. We were both in a really good mood. I love it when me and my brother get along. We had lots of laughs.
I didn't cut at all yesterday either :D first night I've gone to bed and not cut for weeks! I'm so proud of myself. I had no urges to cut either :D.
Today isn't looking quite as good but I refuse to let depression/self harm urges to take over at all.