bit of a positive update.

This should have been written over the weekend, but I've been having laptop problems so not been able to come on..


But I had a pretty amazing weekend;

Friday..
My best friend came over to see me, we had an awesome time and a good laugh, just chilling outside in the sun having a catch up.
I also made up with my step sister who I havent seen for a year as we had a huge fall out.. She came up to see me along with her sister, my older step sister. My friend and stepsisters sat outside with me and really cheered me up! Really needed it :D
That day, I didnt have ANY suicidal thoughts at all.. It was amazing..

The good, positive mood carried into Saturday. I didnt do much that day though. Sunday, things were still quite good, but Monday I started going low again.. but didnt hit that really really low patch..

Things have been a bit up and down since then but I'm trying so so hard to keep my head above water..

Hopefully I'll start having more good days soon as if these lows carry on, I cant fight this much longer.

Suicidal.

I'm so suicidal at the moment it's unreal. I have never felt so bad. I overdosed last week (not badly), and since then, all that's been in my head is overdosing again. I have it in my head that today's the day I end things. I'm scaring myself. I don't feel 'safe' even just lying in bed. I feel like all my thoughts are going to turn into actions and I have no control over them. I feel so alone.
And to top it off, I'm home alone all day so my thoughts can run wild. I'm scared of myself. I didn't know I could feel so awful. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I feel lost. I don't know what to do anymore. My head is well and truly fucked. I want to stop thinking about suicide and get it out of my head that I'm not doing anything today. Argh :'( I don't even know anymore.
I need a hug and a shoulder to cry on.