College & Anxiety United.

I've started college!! I've not been in education since I left school about 4 years ago due to my anxiety. I'd been thinking about applying for college since the beginning of the year. I made it my achievement in my head, that I really wanted to start doing a course in September.
In August I decided right, it was about time I applied. I'd been putting it off for months and thought if I don't push myself and do it now, will I ever do it?
I sent off the application form and within a week or two I received a letter back saying that I'd been accepted and when my start date was.
I immediately felt a rush of anxiety.
I had loads of thoughts running through my head.

Am I actually ready for this?
What happens if I'm not ready?
What happens if I get there and feel too anxious to go in?
What happens if I get a panic attack in class?
What will happen if no one likes me?

These were just a few of the thoughts running through my head. I kept telling myself I would be fine, it was only two hours a week and two hours will be fine.

When the day arrived I didn't feel as anxious as I thought I would have been. This completely threw me. As college isn't until 6pm, I thought I'd be spending all day worrying, but I didn't. I managed to carry on with the rest of my day as planned.
About an hour before I was meant to leave the anxiety started kicking in and all the thoughts were racing around my head but I knew I had to do this. Not just for me, but for everyone around me.
I managed to hold myself together and arrived at the college, I went in and the man at reception told me and another guy who arrived at the same time where to go. I headed up the stairs to the classroom. At this point my anxiety was sky high. I didn't know whether to keep going or turn around and run out. I decided I was there now, I couldn't back out so I went ahead and walked into the classroom. I sat down on a table with about 4 other people. As the lesson went on, I found my anxiety went away.
When I got home after college I felt really low. I didn't quite understand why I was feeling so low. I had just completed my biggest achievement for years. I should have been feeling proud and over the moon, but I wasn't. I felt the worst I had felt for months. I just couldn't understand what was going on, which made me feel even worse. I just wanted to hide myself away. For the rest of the week I felt low, but by college the next week I was feeling slightly better. I then had a huge battle with my head as to whether to attend college or not. Having felt so low after it the week before I honestly didn't know if I would be able to cope if I felt low again.
After opening up to a close friend I decided to give it another go. I got there, went in, and as soon as the tutor entered she announced that she had a bug and for people to keep away from her. She said she'd been off all day and only came in because they couldn't find cover. Well obviously, having emetophobia, I just walked straight out of the room, and left college without saying a word to anyone. I was on the verge of a panic attack. I phoned my mum and asked her to come and collect me. I went home and then felt pathetic for not being able to stay and had loads of negative thoughts running through my head. At the end of the day I decided it's not my fault I have this phobia. I can just try again next week.
The next week arrived and I felt more anxious than I had ever felt going to college. I just couldn't do it, especially after the bad experience the week before. I explained to my mum that I couldn't go.
We then came to an agreement that she would come into college with me and explain to my tutor that I had anxiety and if I couldn't cope could I just walk out of the classroom and leave etc. After speaking to the tutor who was so understanding I felt so much better but was still too anxious to sit through the lesson that week so I went back home with my mum.
Since all that, I have been to both of the last lessons and I have coped fine. After a rocky start I am now happily going there. I have found a really nice friend there which makes it so much easier. I just hope it carries on like this.
I guess after being out of education for 4 years I should have expected to have a bit of a rocky start, but I'm getting there with the help of my amazing friends.


On another note I just wanted to mention Anxiety United. The people on that site have given me some amazing support and they are so lovely.
I have been writing a few blog posts on there too. You can find my latest one here.
If you haven't already you should follow Anxiety United on twitter @AnxietyUnited and check out their website here.