just a little update :-).

Hello lovely people :-) hope you are all ok..
anyway I just realised I haven't blogged in a while.. well thats because there isn't much to say.. still struggling..

depression is mega bad, I've been in bed until like at least 3pm every day as I feel like I have nothing to get up for, and I have NO motivation at all. I guess I'll just have to keep plodding on..CAMHS are thinking of giving me new anti depressants as I have stopped the Prozac..
phobia is ok I guess, I haven't been going out so I don't need to worry about picking something up, and everything seems to have been quiet around here with bugs etc, so the phobia is actually in control at the moment, which is really good..
cutting is ok.. I'm in control, I manage to control most of the urges now.. it's been a few weeks since I last let the urges beat me..I'm kind of proud of myself..
suicidal thoughts are still taking over at times. I'm trying to ignore them, although at times I feel as if they are right, I shouldn't be here living..

Today has been fairly rubbish..I've been in bed most the day, got up and did some tidying while everyone was shopping..then sat down and watched Peter Andre on tv so that cheered me up a bit, and tonight..well this morning as its 2:12am I'm feeling ok.. *hopes no one dies reading this*.. I've had no family arguments either today so that's good!

I'm off bed now.. well I'll just check facebook, twitter and tumblr first :-). speak soon. oh and Merry Christmas hehe :-)

CAMHS tomorrow.....

will update you and let you all know how it goes. kinda anxious but i dont know why :S i have a feeling nothing is going to be done.

brother..

*rant alert*

BROTHERS, who needs them. my mum has NO control what so ever over my brother, he does something wrong, she attempts to tell him off, but does he listen? no. she should know by now that the way to get him under control is to take his xbox/playstation off him when hes naughty. he walks around the house telling people to 'fuck off' calling people a bitch, cunt, slag etc. yes, i know i wasnt the perfect child, but surely thats out of order for a 13 year old? i mean, i would never have been able to get away with that when i was his age..i had my laptop taken off me for the slightest thing..even down to my mental illnesses, i'd be punished for not being able to attend school. ARGH, im actually ashamed of him and my mum for not having any control whatsoever. im the one who has to take his ipod etc off him to control him because my mum doesnt do anything. ARGH.

*rant over*

camhs tomorrow..

i dont want to go. last week Emma had a student with her..shes meant to be there again tomorrow..
my mum and i told Emma that I didnt want the student in the room..Emma kicked her out for 10mins max, and brought her back in..after we told her i didnt want her there.. i dont want to go tomorrow.. im so stressed out about it.. what if emma brings the student in again.. i have no choice.. if i walk out its like i dont want to get better. i do want to get better, its just hard with the student in there. IM STUCK. i want to run away tonight and not come back till 4:00 and its too late to go to the appointment.

I don't even know if this makes sense, I just wrote it as I felt it.

i dont even know what to say right now..but I feel I need to say something..right now, I wish I wasn't alive. I wish I was dead. Most people will think that I am making this up, but I'm not. I wish I wasn't here. The only thing keeping me going is those few people I've met online. I feel like I have nothing to live for any more. I feel like I'm going to be like this forever..yes, everyone says 'if you think like that you will be like that..' or 'it's only you who can make the changes, you're in control.' but I feel like I can't take control. I don't know where to start. I have all these horrible, suicidal thoughts going through my head..I don't want to take part in life any more. I don't want to fight all this any more. Things would be better if I wasn't here. People may say that I'm just giving in, which I am, but being strong hasn't got me anywhere, so why don't I just be the real me, the failure that I am. The girl who can't take control of her own life. I've decided I'm going to have to start bottling things up again as it's not fair on the people I tell because it puts pressure on them to look out for me. If I wasn't here, people wouldn't have to worry about me. People could get on with their own lives, especially my mum, without having me hold her back. I wish everyone would just forget about me. I don't know what to do any more. I don't know who to tell and what to tell them. I want to go to bed and sleep forever. Yes, it sounds selfish and that I'm only thinking of myself, but I can't do this any more. I have nothing to live for. 

Bottling up..

I'm starting to bottle things up again.. I feel like I can't tell anyone anything and everyone is getting fed up of me moaning..well in all honesty, I can't blame them. People say they care, but deep down I'm pretty sure they don't. No one would notice if I was gone...

i have a CAMHS appointment tomorrow...

with my new therapist Emma.. I'm REALLY anxious as its only going to be my second meeting with her and im not sure how she works yet :S im really anxious.. i guess i should tell her about my suicidal thoughts..but i dont know..a few people i know have said i should be put into hospital, but im scared of that happening.. i dont want to go and im scared if im honest with Emma then that will happen. im scared of telling her how i truly feel incase  i get locked up. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

ive been doing so well..

and tonight all these negative thoughts are back. what is the point in life? what is the point in me fighting this. im a failure, waste of space, fat ugly mess. i hate everything about me. i hate everything about my life. i hate everything.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

:D

to all those moaning about going back to school/college tomorrow,think yourself lucky that you can actually go. some of us are unable to leave the house to go and finish our education and get good grades to get a good job. some people don't think how lucky they are not having to worry about how to cope with another day of shit. moaning you have depression because your partner split up with you think yourself lucky you have a reason behind your depression, at least you know you'll be happy again in the future when you find someone else. there are lots of people who really need to realise how lucky they are..

i shouldn't be negative....

...but I just have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a shit fucking day.

mixed emotions.

well over all today ive had a goodish day...ive been in a good mood as ive had my step brothers/sisters over to distract me and it was a good laugh..but at the same time im really upset, its my granddads birthday today and he died a few months back. i wasnt that close to him, but i miss him like mad and as i know ill never see him again.. now im sat down im thinking and its not good. im watching Peter Andre to try cheer me up, but its not working. i feel like it should be me lying in that grave not him. he didnt deserve to die.anyway, i have my amazing facebook family and twitter family to talk to so i should cheer up soon. trying to hold back these tears..:/xx

New therapist..

Well...today I had my appointment with my new therapist for the first time.
I feel so positive.
She really seemed to take everything in I was telling her.
She's going to google emetophobia.
I could really open up to her.
She seemed to realise that the phobia was the main problem.
I told her about my self harm.
I told her about my suicidal thoughts(not into detail).


For the first meeting it went really well. I feel so positive about the next meeting. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel? maybe i have found the right person to work with to help me better.

general update.

Heeey  guys :)


Hope you're all doing good? so yeh.. erm, things are .. yeah, good i guess. I've been in a good mood for a few days now. I've thrown away all my razors *dances* I've not been very low, although I have been keeping to myself a bit in my room rather than mixing with the other family members. Hopefully things will keep looking up :'). I met my new counsellor on.. Friday i think it was.. I think im going to get along really well with her, she seems really nice, and is understanding. She's coming again in about two weeks, and we are going to have weekly appointments at mine. We are going to aim to build a friendship and for me to trust her, then shes going to try and take me out for walks etc bit by bit..slowly and in my own time which is good :). much better than CAMHS, well talk about CAMHS, been trying to get hold of them since Monday, its now...Thursday, about my medication because I want to come off the prozac as it doesnt seem to be helping me.
As for my eating, I'm lucky if I eat one meal a day.. :) 
BOOOM, yeah...thats everything:)

so far..

ive only cut once today compared to yesterday:). although it was on my arm, so im stuck wearing jumpers for the next few days no matter what the weather is like which sucks. i regret it now. anyway..I'm full of cold, I'm down and generally feeling shitty.
on the plus side, the 5year old girl in the house behind mine, who is like my little sister, has been bullied at school, and she managed to tell me what was going on, which has made me feel better because i feel like someone can tell me things even though shes 11years younger haha :). hopefully that will get sorted cos i dont like her being upset.
I also feel like im loosing my big sister. its horrible. i feel like I'm letting her down and im scared incase i loose her :(
gah. life goes on.

What's the point

Anyone get the feeling 'whats the point of life?' I'm feeling it.

my brother loves me so much..

He's just come home from school, been in the house for 10 minutes, and hes already called me a cunt, bitch, slag thrown shoes at me and told me i need to go and shoot myself. Feeling the love.

More positive.

I am busy drawing butterflies on my legs ATM for the butterfly project. I wasnt going to do it as I think they will die, but I'm doing it anyway :)! I asked my mum to draw one on my wrist where I did ONE cut. And she went off on one saying how shes going to come home and find me dead if I cut there. Tried telling her that I don't cut my wrist anymore. I did it ONCE! but I wanted a butterfly there anyway. Ugh! And she doesn't seem to understand that I don't cut cos I want to kill myself!!! Anyway enough of ranting. Back to butterfly land then sleep! Night xooxo

Just me.

FUCK SHIT SHIT FUCK.

AGGH. 7:05am. Been awake about half an hour. Guess what? You got it, I feel sick. PANIC. PANIC. PANIC. I've had to wake my mum up she sat with me for 10mins. Been awake 30mins is. Caant describe how I feel. I want to die right now. PANIC.

faccck.

i went to my dads house just then..i went to see what state my room was in... and i walked in to find my old sick bowl on the floor...PANIC. i know it wont do anything to me, yet again, i still panicked.. it doesnt make sense..

FAIL.

i cut.. again.. its bleeding.. its sore when i cover it up.. thats life.. it felt better at the time.. now to try and stop it bleeding.. then try and sleep.. and hope tomorrow is a better day.. cos i cant cope with a day like this.. again.

FOOOD.

I hate hate hate the way I get an anxiety attack before I eat a main meal. ARGH, my roast dinner is almost ready, I feel sick, I feel dizzy, I feel like shit. I don't know why though. I'm shaking and im panicking. WHY! i want to be normal :(

day out to manchester.. PETER ANDRE

Today, I BEAT MY ANXIETY.
I woke up at 6:30..to get ready to leave for manchester at 8:00..i was SO anxious about travelling incase of travel sickness..but I did it.. I MET PETER ANDRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


My life is now almost complete. I haven't had a good day like this in AGES! im so proud of myself for going and meeting him. and on top of that, I had food out too :D
over all a fab day :D
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2293978156513&set=a.1552072969347.77024.1460835855&type=1&theater


http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.2293922075111.130591.1460835855&type=1


http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2293922995134&set=a.2293922075111.130591.1460835855&type=1&theater

depressed day.

Woke up when my brother was getting ready for school this morning, on a downer cos I wish I was going to school or college too. Stupidly I logged into facebook, and saw everyones statuses about them getting ready to start school or college again etc. That put me on even more of a downer.. I went back to sleep for a bit, and woke up at lunch time. I then sat in bed until about 3:00ish when i finally managed to find some strength to come downstairs for some lunch. I'm still on a downer now, and all I want is a hug and someone to talk to. I haven't spoken to anyone about how I feel today. I just hope I'm better tomorrow. Oh and to top it all off, the weather has been shit which always lowers my mood.

a step in the right direction I guess?

After all that feeling shitty when friend was over yesterday, I managed to pick myself up and enjoy myself. We chilled last night in front of the tv.. then made a cake today! she's been gone about an hour and a half now, and I can feel myself getting low. WHY?! I hate this :{

meeeeh.

My friend is over and im feeling like shit. shes staying tonight, and im so scared incase im going to be sick. its horrible :( ive hardly eaten today. i dont know if its because the weather has gone so cold, im over tired or not. i doubt i will be sick, but im more stressed out because there has been a bug going round. AAAAH.

life.

things are looking up..

I havent cut for a few days now :D which im really proud of myself for and ive been on no major downers either...im kinda happy for myself, although it feels strange.


STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.
Tonight, i managed to go out for a meal with my mum, her boyfriend and my best friend and her pub. I was SO anxious, but I still pushed myself to go. I actually had quite a laugh with April, and it was good fun. Having April with me really helped because she took my mind off things and distracted me. It was good fun.

yay..

I found out last night that everyone on big brother was going to be sick tonight...BUT I still watched it. I only had to look away from the TV twice! im so proud of myself :D

I kept it a secret for years..

When my anxiety started getting the better of me and i stopped going to school, I told people I had migraines, because I was too ashamed to say I had mental problems.
When I had to leave school half way through the day because I was too anxious to stay, I said its because my head was bad.
When I went to my appointments at CAMHS, I would say I was leaving to go to the hospital to see how my migraines were getting on with my 'new meds'.
I felt better saying I had migraines than saying I had 'mental illnesses'. I was too ashamed and too scared that people would judge me.
I eventually told one of my close friends that I had anxiety and not migraines and thats why I missed so much school.
I felt she was really understanding, and didn't judge, which made me feel more confident about it.
I then improved from there, and started telling people 'the real reason' I missed so much school.

Since then, as I've had even more mental problems, I've not been ashamed to hide it. I'm open about it, and I don't care what people think, if they judge, they aren't true friends and they don't deserve to be in my life.

:)

confused.

Ever get those moods where you just don't know what to do anymore?
Well yeah, I'm in one of those moods.
I'm not happy..but I'm not sad.. I just don't know. It's strange.
Although..I'm more sad than happy..
And I still want to give up.
I can't carry on living like this..
But I'm not strong enough to beat it all.

the younger days where i didnt care.

I wish I was young. I didn't have to worry about all these things I have to now. I dont want to grow older, as I will have more things to worry about, I was to go younger again. Shame these things arent possible :(

Friends

Its kind of sad, but the only people I feel I can talk to are the ones I've met online. I mean, some of them aren't going through the same stuff as I am, yet they still support me and sound like they understand. If I told my real life friends, they would judge me. People judge too quickly these days. I love my online friends, and I hope I can meet them all one day! Especially my big sis because I would be lost without her xxxx

CAMHS FAIL AGAIN.

Just come back from my CAMHS appointment.
Shit again.
thinking of closing my case as they 'cant do anymore'.
They didnt even discuss my self harming.
I give up. I want to end it all now.

happier post.

After such a bad few days, ive had a few long chats with my big sis, and i woke up today feeling a lot better :)!
I managed to go into town with my mum for a few hours and get a few bits and pieces, then ive come back to find i have an appointment in CAMHS tomorrow, and next Thursday..so things are looking up a bit.. and ive not S.H today either :) woop. thanks for everything Caroline :) xxx

Depression is getting the better of me today

Just a little post before I go off to bed.
I've had a really bad day today. Just a random downer, slept all morning, got up about 2:00pm, and chilled downstairs in my pyjamas, I then got a shower about 4:00ish and then my mums friend Ger came over. He noticed straight away that I wasnt right, but i still said i was fine, and you could tell he wouldnt believe me :-/, mum also noticed i was quiet. i dont know why ive had a bad day though. i also cut, (a little bit), for the first time in a few days..it was only a scratch or two..or three or four...and ive watched Peter Andre on tv tonight then catched up with the soaps so a relaxed day really. I just hope tomorrow is a better day for all. Night night xx

Worry night & depression update.

It's nearly 2am. Like most nights I'm sat in bed worrying. Now I know there is a bug going around the village I'm worse. Fml. I always panic more at night as that is when most people are sick because your body relaxes.

On a better note, my depression hasnt been as bad these past few days, or the self harm. BONUS.

Emetophobia takes control

Apparently there is a 'sicky bug' going around :-(! PANIC!
someone from my village put a status up on facebook, im now worrying about going out! ARGH, why do people feel the need to put it up on facebook that they have been sick! i mean, they dont put it up if theyve been for a shit! annoyed.com! anyway, that stressed me out and caused a cut or two :-/. but except for that i've had a good day. spent the morning in bed, and the afternoon with my mum's, boyfriends kids (IM NOW WORRYING INCASE THEY CARRY A BUG WHEN THEY COME). :-( and after that i went for a walk with my dog and my mum, then i took my kitten for a walk along the estate (cos im cool)! hopefully going to the county show tomorrow, so that will be a challenge, i hope i can go, im fed up of being stuck inside all the time! it sucks! i want to beat all this NOW.

Happy post!

Last night I managed to beat my anxiety! i went out to the local pub at about 8:45pm until about 12:00am. I was with all my mums friends, her boyfriend, and two of my friends. I had been worrying about it for weeks! but now looking back i think 'why was i so anxious?!'
im so glad i went though! i had such an awesome time!
<3