Christmas.

I hope you all had a great Christmas and got everything you all wanted! You totally deserved to have a good time :)

Right, now for the update..

Christmas was surprisingly good. I was so anxious about the build up etc. I didn' t know if I was going to spent it at my mums, or my dads, or wherever. In the end, I decided to go up to my grandparents house with my mum, my step-dad and my brother. I was then anxious as to whether I could eat anything. I HATE eating in front of people, but I managed it! I ate quite well, which surprised me. I'm so proud of myself.
In the morning, I went to visit my nain in the old peoples home with my dad, my brother and my step-mum, then came home to get changed, then went to my grandparents for food. After we'd eaten and opened presents etc, I went down to my dads house with my brother. My step-mum was there along with my step-brother, and I met my step-mum's parents for the first time, which I was anxious about, but they are so nice! I had a great Christmas over all. I felt quite low in the evening, but picked myself up in the end! In the middle of all that my dad and step-mum got engaged, so soon she will officially be my step-mum, exciting times!

Boxing day was good too. We had my step siblings come over for a second Christmas! Everything was going well, until my 9 year old step-sister said 'I think I'm going to be sick.' We'd just eaten lunch, and she was fine, she had the whole Christmas dinner and loads of pudding. I went into a blown panic, obviously, but it turns out she wasn't sick and we think she'd just eaten way too much. After all that panic, things were good again. My step-dads parents came down and his brother, and we give the kids their presents, and spent the rest of the afternoon trying to work out how to play with their presents. Overall, it was another good day. 
Here's a few pictures from boxing day..

All of us, minus my brother who took the picture.

me and Tasha.

me and Alannah.

me and Tasha.

I hope you all have a great New Year, too. Stay safe. xx

Ohhh and Hello to my beautiful friend, Kirsty who wanted a mention ;)

I'm not ashamed.

Quite often I get messages off people on facebook asking me things like, why am I so open about my mental illnesses, why aren’t I keeping it a secret, why aren’t I ashamed of it.

Well, I’ve kept it a secret for years (I still do keep some stuff to myself), I used to make up excuses as to why I missed school, I wouldn’t tell anyone. It then came to a point, where I couldn’t keep making up excuses, I had to start being honest, especially when rumours started up about me. I think being honest is one of the best things I’ve ever done.

Since then, I’ve had people come up to me and message me saying things like:

You’ve made me feel that I’m not alone.

I’ve been going through a similar thing, but I’ve never spoken to anyone about it.

I’ve even had messages saying that if it wasn’t for me persuading them to get help and to not be ashamed of feeling depressed etc, they would be dead.

These things mean so much to me. The fact, apparently, I’m helping other people by speaking up about mental illnesses is a big thing to me. So many people are ashamed of what they’re going through, and scared about being judged. It’s not fair. An illness is an illness whether it’s physical or mental. It should be nothing to be ashamed of, and you shouldn’t have to hide it.

I say to myself, that I didn’t ask for a mental illness, like the way people don’t ask to have a broken leg. People aren’t ashamed to have a broken leg, so why should I be ashamed to be mentally ill.

I just want to say a huge thank you, to all the people who have supported me through thick and thin, it means so much to me. If anyone has anything they’d like to discuss about this then feel free to send me a message. I felt alone for years, and I’d hate to see someone else feel like that.

Rant.

I hate it when people are like 'are you in college or anything?' And I'm like 'no' then they're like 'what do you do in the day?' So I say 'nothing' then they're like 'you're so lucky! I want your life' ... You know what, have my life! See how hard it is for me to get up in the morning and realise I have nothing to live for. Try and get through the day without killing yourself. Have loads of fights with your head during the day decided what you wear because you look too fat in everything. Deciding what to eat because today you think even water has thousands of calories. Get put down by your family and being made to feel 10 times more worthless than you already thought you were. Try living with having a panic attack most times you leave the house, even for a half an hour walk. The list is endless. Do you still want my life now? Because you know what? I'd do anything to have your life and be able to go to school, go out with friends, have friends, and just live a 'normal' teenage life.

Panic attacks and not eating.

Might aswell blog at 3am because I'm having panic attacks and can't sleep..
But yea,
Things have been awful. Depressions been bad, but the main problem at the moment is food. I'm back to hardly eating, as I'm scared of gaining weight :(. I want to be thin:(. I hate how much weight I've put on so I want to lose it, and more. Of course, my mums picked up on it and is lecturing me to eat, which is causing me to feel worse. I'm just fed up. I just want all these thoughts to go away. I'm scared that even water is going to make me put like half a stone on :'( I hate my head.

bit of a positive update.

This should have been written over the weekend, but I've been having laptop problems so not been able to come on..


But I had a pretty amazing weekend;

Friday..
My best friend came over to see me, we had an awesome time and a good laugh, just chilling outside in the sun having a catch up.
I also made up with my step sister who I havent seen for a year as we had a huge fall out.. She came up to see me along with her sister, my older step sister. My friend and stepsisters sat outside with me and really cheered me up! Really needed it :D
That day, I didnt have ANY suicidal thoughts at all.. It was amazing..

The good, positive mood carried into Saturday. I didnt do much that day though. Sunday, things were still quite good, but Monday I started going low again.. but didnt hit that really really low patch..

Things have been a bit up and down since then but I'm trying so so hard to keep my head above water..

Hopefully I'll start having more good days soon as if these lows carry on, I cant fight this much longer.

Suicidal.

I'm so suicidal at the moment it's unreal. I have never felt so bad. I overdosed last week (not badly), and since then, all that's been in my head is overdosing again. I have it in my head that today's the day I end things. I'm scaring myself. I don't feel 'safe' even just lying in bed. I feel like all my thoughts are going to turn into actions and I have no control over them. I feel so alone.
And to top it off, I'm home alone all day so my thoughts can run wild. I'm scared of myself. I didn't know I could feel so awful. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I feel lost. I don't know what to do anymore. My head is well and truly fucked. I want to stop thinking about suicide and get it out of my head that I'm not doing anything today. Argh :'( I don't even know anymore.
I need a hug and a shoulder to cry on.

Positive day > Camhs tomorrow.

Today a rather good day. I spent most of it with my 3 year old step sister(Alannah) and my brother(Liam). I took Alannah down to the beach for a little walk and an ice lolly while my step dad stayed home with the rest of my step siblings.
It was really nice to get out and have the responsibility of watching Alannah. I was really impressed with how well she behaved and listened to me! I'll post a few pictures of her out on our walk.
I spent an hour tonight at my dads as Liam wanted to pick a few things up.
I then came back with Liam and watched scary movie 3. I love it when me & Liam get along (which is rare!).
I haven't really felt low all day!

I'm in a good mood.

CAMHS tomorrow. Hence why I'm awake at this time. I'm stressing. I don't know what to expect. I'm so anxious. Will update on how things went. I'm not getting much sleep tonight by the looks of things, which sucks!

Mums new job - anxiety.

Mums starting a new job tomorrow. I'm really anxious about her going as she won't be able to have her phone on her.
My mum is like my safety net, I guess. I only feel safe when I know I can contact her. Like in her other jobs, she's always had her phone on her and in emergency she can come home. With this job I can't speak to her until she's finished..which could be like 10 hours.
Really stressing about it.
What if something goes wrong at home?
Emetophobia thoughts are taking over too. What if I'm sick and she can't come and help me?
What if I have a huge panic attack and I need her to calm me down?
All these thoughts are racing around my head.
I shouldn't be relying on my mum like this, but somewhere inside me is making me. Im sure most 17 year olds want their mum to go to work to get rid of them. Why can I be like that? Argh.
I just want to be normal :(.

On a more positive note, I've not cut for a few days.

Today was a good day:-)

Woke up in a really good mood, but really anxious though. I chilled all afternoon with my mum and stepdad until my counsellor came at 4pm. Didn't really want to go out as I was too anxious, but we went out for a drive for about 20 minutes.
I then pushed myself to go to tesco with my mum, mainly because I wanted to make sure she bought alcohol *innocent face*.
I then went to my grandparents house for an hour and had cuddles with Sasha, their dog and helped my grandad in the garden :)
I also had post from my good friend, Lauren :)
Now down at my dads house sat with him and my stepmum watching some football crap on tv but I feel pretty calm. Back up to my mums in a bit though as I don't feel confident enough to stay over here.
I hope tomorrow is a good day too.

Families.

Things have been awful at home recently, especially between me & my step dad. We've been arguing about the stupidest things. My mums also being a bitch to me when she's around him. Last night I felt really low. This morning I woke up feeling really low. I decided enough was enough and put a plan into action to end it all. I went for a walk with my mum and planned on it being the last time we spent together, but something clicked inside me and I decided I was stronger all this.
I spent all afternoon with my mum today and she was fine, then as soon as my stepdad came home, she was a bitch with me..so this then, made me feel worthless and I felt worse again.
I needed to get away from this house, so tonight I went down to my dads for an hour or so. I felt so happy down there. I can't even explain it. I felt wanted. My brother was really nice, my dad was really nice. They included me into conversations. I don't know. I just felt generally happier. I then came home and instantly felt my mood drop, until my friend called me and made me laugh. I now feel a lot better so I'm going to sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day *I wish*

Yesterday was a good day.

I woke up in a good mood. Spent most of the day chilling with my brother and two step brothers..watching tv, Xbox etc. I ate 2 meals and didn't binge or restrict. I also went for a small walk with my mum.
I spent from midnight - 3:30am on the Xbox with my brother. We were both in a really good mood. I love it when me and my brother get along. We had lots of laughs.
I didn't cut at all yesterday either :D first night I've gone to bed and not cut for weeks! I'm so proud of myself. I had no urges to cut either :D.
Today isn't looking quite as good but I refuse to let depression/self harm urges to take over at all.

anxiety.

I'm staying at my dads tonight for the second time since we moved out last year.. I the last time was Friday night. OMG. I am so so anxious. I'm actually on the verge of losing it tonight, but I know, nothing bad will happen, it is all in my head. I must not let it win. I must stay here and keep fighting as it is a huge achievement. I did it Friday, I can do it again. What's going to happen? nothing. I just need to keep repeating that. I want to turn away from it all and go back home to my mums house, but doing that is just weak. I am not weak. I am stronger than this anxiety. I am going to beat this. I am strong. Things have been so good this weekend, I want to do this just to say I've achieved something else.

today has been a good day!

omgggg. blogger has changed its layout.. I dont like it :|..
but anyway..
Today has been pretty awesome.

I was feeling anxious to start off with but I managed to go out in the car for about half an hour with my counsellor.. which was an achievement as I nearly chickened out...
I then went out to get my glasses adjusted with my dad.. this was a big achievement because I hardly ever go out with him after our past and it takes a lot for me to trust him..
Then, I went into town with my mum... we went to three different shops.
I'm so proud of myself :)

today sucks.

been such a struggle to get through today.
Spent most the day upstairs in bed, feeling unable to get up and face everyone..when I did come down, I ended up going back up to cry. its been one of those 'why am I bothering to fight all this?' days. it sucks. Hardly eaten anything either. It's just been awful.. and with family things going on too, its just so shit. I would blog about the family things, but I dont know who reads my blog so yeh.. but if you really want to know tweet me.
I've had a huge headache all evening too. I just dont understand why I keep fighting.. Why haven't I just given up forever yet?

I swear getting referred to CAMHS was one of the worst things ever. Since getting sent there things have only got worse.

SIAD

Today is Self Injury Awareness Day. I hope everyone did something to raise some sort of awareness.

Keep Strong.♥